i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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