We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize