I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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