everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
