I love black thongs
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
