Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
