What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
MIDGETS
????
Randomize