You work out of a Hotel?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
