So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
