Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
