why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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