John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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