Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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