I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Randomize
