I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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