I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
my being single is dangerous.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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