I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
