I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
my poor anus
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
