I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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