Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
