Your face is a jimmy john
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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