I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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