We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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