When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
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Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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