he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
