i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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