I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
