Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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