the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
