This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
