I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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