The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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