I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
