Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
