If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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