Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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