Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You need Xanax blowdarts
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
