what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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