please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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