Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
