You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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