the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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