I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
