I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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