I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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