Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
