I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
