Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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