Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
