Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
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Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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