I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
