I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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