Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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