Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
